This post will be full of clichés, I'm sure, so please, forgive me. Or don't. I don't particularly give a fuck a the moment.
Meeting someone for the first time and getting off on the wrong foot, or just giving the wrong impression, can figuratively kill any chance of developing a well rounded, healthy relationship. It doesn't matter how hard you try, later on, to convince the person that they have you pegged wrong, they will only see what they want. If they don't want to change their opinion of you, they won't, no matter how hard you try.
I am one of those people who never seems to learn from their past. Over and over again, I have been shown that if someone doesn't like you, short of an act of God, they will not change their mind. History does not repeat itself, it rhymes. When will I learn? Who fucking knows. I certainly haven't learned my lesson yet. I don't know if I ever will, or ever understand how being nice can be twisted and manipulated into something other than being nice.
It's a perversion really, to take something as pure as being nice, for the sake of being nice, and twisting it into something dark and devious. I believe that doing something like that is more of a reflection of the other person than it is of me. It's sad really, to have the belief that there is an ulterior motive.
The loose definition of insanity is trying the same thing many times and expecting a different result. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I'm insane. I am nice for the sake of being nice, but it won't last forever. I'm getting to my stopping point, I'm getting sick of the games.
Take me as I am, or leave me. It's as simple as that.
Wanting to be liked is normal and a natural state of human existence. It's as if that one little piece of the kid left inside you, wanting to be liked, is refusing to grow up and become jaded by the reality that is people. It's a primitive survival instinct. Could you imagine, as hunters and gatherers, if the pack decided they didn't like you anymore? Your chances of surviving on your own were pretty much non-existent. Wanting to be liked is one of those things that never evolved as we did. Society and interpersonal relations change so fast than our emotions are unable to keep up.
I feel the need to ask myself some rhetorical questions: why do we care so much about other people liking us? Why do we try so hard in seeking their approval? Why, after being shown time and again that our efforts have no effect, do we continue to try? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with us?
It's nice to imagine that one person you want to like you so desperately, changing their mind. It's not a pipe dream. It's happened to me, once, and maybe that's my problem. Like fucking snowflakes, no two relationships are the same. One cannot be compared to the other. The history, the problems, the dynamic, and the people involved are all different.
Perhaps it's time to suck-it-the-fuck-up, put my big girl panties on, and get over the fact that not everyone is going to like me, no matter how nice I happen to think I am. Even as an adult, I still struggle with this and I believe I will continue to, at least for a little bit longer. One thing I have noticed, gradually changing in me is my ability to not care. I hope it continues to grow, because I don't think my skin is quite thick enough yet.
